My Adoptive Mother Hates Me: Solution to the Problem

Adoption gives a unique and emotional experience for the adopted children. It’s a completely new stage in life and most of them put great hope on their new family. Unluckily, some adoptive parents aren’t ready for a new family member and they end up having a problem with the adoptee. Then, many adoptees begin to ask, “What should I do when my adoptive mother hates me?”

Not every adoptive parent has parental skills to help them handle any challenge that comes with the adoption. Unlike a biological child, an adopted child comes in a relatively short legal process and it may affect how the parents respond to the newcomer.

Especially if the child doesn’t meet their expectation. Here, you’ll find why the problem occurs and how to solve it.

Common Adoption Effects on Parents

Many people see adoption from a child’s perspective. But here, you will see adoption from the parents’ perspective. We will show problems and solutions to this problems in detail so that you can take a good point of view. How do they feel about this legal process? What are the common problems and effects on adoptive mother?

For a lot of adoptive parents, completing the legal process may be overwhelming but it’s not as much as how they struggle to be good parents.

The post-adoption period can be challenging as they find difficulties in raising and adapting with a new family member. Here are some common effects on new adoptive parents.

  • Emotional stress

First, adoptive parents may have difficulties establishing a bond with the new child. They may also refuse to admit that their decision to adopt a child causes new problems. This refusal can trigger emotional stress.

  • Depression

Next, the excitement of having a new adoptee can turn into sadness in some parents. This is known as post-adoption depression syndrome and it commonly occurs within a few weeks after adoption. This condition, however, can be shorter or longer depending on the treatment.

  • Identity confusion

It takes time to get a feeling of being real parents. As the legal process is finished, they have a new identity and title, and yet some parents may worry about this feeling. In some cases, parents are reluctant to embrace parenthood.

Why Adoptive Mother Hates Me?

Many adoptees don’t understand why they get unpleasant treatment from their parents. Why my adoptive mother hates me? This is one of the most common questions, especially from newly adopted. Especially if they are child with divorced parents or families. They often hesitate to enter into a new family.

There are many things that cause adoptive mother hates her adoptee. Here are some possible reasons:

  • Stress

As mentioned previously, adoptive parents may experience emotional stress when they find difficulties establishing a connection with the child.

Consequently, parents who cannot control their emotions transfer the bad feeling to the adopted child, causing the child to feel like being hated.

  • Child doesn’t meet the expectation

Additionally, it isn’t uncommon that the adoptee does not meet parent’s expectation. When the child isn’t as nice or smart as expected, parents especially mother may feel disappointed. This feeling may also trigger hatred.

  • Ungrateful adopted child

Next reason, some people believe that adoptees who seek out their birth parents are considered ungrateful. If the mother belongs to this group of people, chances are she will hate her adoptee. In fact, it’s quite normal for the adopted children to seek out their root.

What to Do When Adoptive Mother Hates Me?

my adoptive mother hates me so much

Based on the reasons above, what should I do when my adoptive mother hates me? The relationship between the adoptee and adoptive parents can be problematic. It often happens when the adoptee turns into a teenager, though in some other cases it begins earlier.

Related Article: 6 Negative Effects of Single Parenting on a Child

Nevertheless, you can fix the broken relationship no matter what. If you have a bad relationship with adoptive mother or think she hates you, here are possible things to do.

  • Find out the underlying problem

Many times, adopted child fails to understand the underlying problem occurred in the family. All the child know is the mother hates him because she is angry with him all the time.

In truth, there must be triggering factors that cause emotional outbursts or anger in the adoptive mother. For example, it can be an alcoholism father or financial reason.

  • Establish attachment

Then, adoption creates a great change in life and it may take years for a mother to establish attachment to the new child. It potentially causes a feeling of rejected or hated. Adoptee can help the mother to establish attachment so she will feel more appreciated as a new parent.

  • Show your potential

In case you feel rejected because you cannot meet their expectation, showing your potential is the best way to fix the broken relationship. Show that you can make them proud in your own way.

Things Adopted Children Can’t Do

My adoptive mother hates me. Can I hate her? The answer is no. No matter how bad your feeling is, adoptive parents are your legal guardians. If you cannot establish a good relationship with adoptive father or mother, don’t make it worse.

The following things should be avoided by adopted children as it can put another trouble to the family.

  • Hurt parents physically or verbally.

Anger and depression can lead to physical abuse. This should be avoided by adoptees, no matter how angry you are with adoptive parents.

  • Run away from home.

Adults and teenagers may consider running away from home is the best solution. However, this can lead to a bigger problem such as increased risk of drugs abuse or alcoholism.

  • Disgrace adoptive family.

Next, being rejected potentially makes adoptees commit crime and other immorality acts. This should be avoided as it can make the relationship worse.

  • Reject help from outsiders.

Sometimes, relatives and other family who have completed adoption can offer help. If you want to fix your relationship with adoptive mother, don’t refuse their help.

When to Find Help

If you are an adopted child or adult and are struggling with rejected and other bad feelings, you may need to call mental health professional in your state. The professionals have right solution and treatment to help you cope with the problem.

They will also identify if you have underlying conditions such as depression or anxiety disorder. In conclusion, many adoptees have similar thoughts, “My adoptive mother hates me”. This thought, however, can be caused by many factors. Adoptees can do several things to fix a bad relationship with mother or find help if they are struggling with the feeling

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6 thoughts on “My Adoptive Mother Hates Me: Solution to the Problem”

  1. I was adopted at 9 months and my “mother” hates me. She was mentally & physically abusive. Dad loved me & was a great person and dad but she is chock full of personality disorders I realized after growing up. She treats her biological offspring very well & gives them respect, excessive materialistic things, money, even helped pay for their houses. I have gotten nothing since graduating HS despite struggling to support myself making minimum wage jobs. She became even worse after dad died. I’m incessantly reminded I should be grateful she raised “an alcoholic woman’s child”. Growing up when I disappointed her by having learning difficulties. Being average in school was the best I could do, I was poor at piano, dance lessons, gymnastics (which she forced me to take), she kept saying to me “you must take after your real mother”. From as long as I can remember, even now, she introduces me as the daughter she adopted, instead of just “my daughter”. Dad never did but he didn’t stand up to her either. She was a battle axe to him and me & controlled everything. She is screwed up but I still don’t think couples with biological children should be approved to adopt. I will be dealing with the trauma for the rest of my life.

    • I’m glad you weren’t aborted. You are here because you were meant to survive.

  2. I was adopted by a narcissist, the adoption was closed because I was born in the states in the 80s. No one seemed to give 2 craps about our rights to medical backgrounds, names, anything. At 5, my adoptive mom had her miracle baby after several miscarriages, a stillborn child, and a child that died after a week or so because her body didn’t work.

    They never got therapy. Their miracle baby was born with a heart condition that resulted in an open heart surgery, and my life ended then, at the very least: my childhood. The entire family scapegoated me, not just my parents, but the entire external family. My cop aunt, the heralded paragon of our family (and also the most corrupt) told my dad to get rid of me when I was a teenager unable to deal with emotional neglect and very obvious favouritism of my brother. (Ie: he gets caught doing illegal drugs, gets a slap on the wrist. I’m home 5 minutes late from work, grounded for a week).

    People have told me my entire life that I’m the problem, because my covert narcissist mother spun the narrative that I’m a liar before I could even defend myself. People should not be able to adopt without psychological screening. I would rather rewind time and be aborted, thanks. Quit romanticising adoption.

    • I agree with you. I am an adoptee and I grew up in a similar situation. I hope you find the peace that I never did find.

    • Gosh, I can’t tell you how familliar your experience sounds. Tho’ my a mom died 20 years ago, I’m still goin thru’ it with my a dad who, as a raging narcissist now topped off with frontal lobe dementia, became beastly, trianguluating me and my son with the rest of the family, showing absolute blatant favourtism to my a brother’s son, but do take heart. After being the family scapegoat, like you, the truth will out and people will begin to see what closet monsters these unfit adoptive parents actually are.

  3. As an adoptee I can include some helpful information. First, it is not your responsibility to fix the relationship. Many, many adoptive parents have a whole host of unresolved mental and emotional issues and it is often put on adoptees. Of course, they deserve compassion, but adoptees do not deserve to be the ones to manage this. If you plan to get therapy, find someone who was adopted. Not a therapist who “specialized in adoption”, rather one who was adopted. They will be able to understand your experience.
    If there are no plans for therapy, there is a ton of info out there for adoptees as far as books, videos. This can be tremendously helpful. I speak from experience! Check out Paul Sunderland or Nancy Verrier on You Tube (not adoptees but get it). Paul Sunderland is especially good for his acknowledgement of the initial trauma of adoptees. I hope this helps.


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